colonoscopy co·lon·os·co·py (kō’lə-nŏs’kə-pē) n. Examination of the inner surface of the colon by means of a colonoscope. Also called coloscopy.
In idiot terms, it’s a camera up the bum!
I nearly had one of these a few years ago but by the time I saw the consultant my symptoms had all but gone and I’d worked out that it was down to a menopause supplement I’d been taking which contained iron and I can’t take iron. This time however there’s no such reprieve because my bowels are giving me major gyp so I’m currently waiting for my appointment to flop onto the mat so that I can get some serious worrying in.
Now, I did my homework on the colonoscopy first time round so I already know that it’s the colon cleansing prep that they give you which is the hardest part because to all intents and purposes, it’s EVIL!
So, yeah, NOT looking forward to that..
Most people say that the procedure itself is painless and sedative helps and BOY AM I GOING TO BE SEDATED!
Not so much as a FINGERNAIL will be going up my backside without me being pissed as a fart but once I am riding the pink unicorn they can pretty much do what they like.
Speaking of fart..
Seemingly I will be farting for Britain after the C scope due to the amount of air they put in to inflate the old bagpipes.. safe to say I will be leaving my dignity at home!
But it’s the waiting that gets you isn’t it?
Fear of the unknown…
It’s the thinking that I will be one of the unlucky ones who’s colon gets punctured.
It’s the thought of violent poo action once the prep has sufficiently irritated the lining of my colon.
It’s the thought what if..
What if they find something?
What if it’s a nasty?
What if I look at the monitor and see a ginormous tumour clinging to my colon like a limpet?
What if the tube won’t go in?
What if the tube won’t come out?
What if I have a coronary and die with a length of tube up my arse?
Being a glass smashed all over the floor type of person, I immediately go for the terminal option. Straight from piles to palliative care, me.
THUMP THUMP CLUNK CLUNK THUMP THUMP KER DUNK KER DUNK THUMP THUMP
That’s my heart clanging in fear.
My poor old sphincter is permanently clenched at the thought of being violated in this manner and as for having to wear one of those stupid gowns? I have a phobia of those things due to having put one on the wrong way once and I was er flashing my lady bits instead of my bum. It’s those verbal instructions you see. All I heard was “put gown on”..
Anyhoo, I am bulk buying extra soft bog roll and have several books lined up on Kindle for when I’m shitting myself delirious. I’ve also invested in some Vaseline and Sudocrem to smear around my bum hole as apparently it will think it’s been set fire to?
Hopefully it won’t be as bad as I fear and I have nothing more sinister than a bad case of Farmer Giles.
Finally, it goes without saying that if you’re having bum probs like blood in your poo, unexplained weight loss or changes in bowel habits to go and get yourself checked out. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s nothing that your Doc hasn’t seen or heard of before. Bums is all in a days work, innit?
Wish me luck, folks.
‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’ ~ Actual comment from bloke having a colonoscopy.