Carry On Up The Colon

colonoscopy co·lon·os·co·py (kō’lə-nŏs’kə-pē) n. Examination of the inner surface of the colon by means of a colonoscope. Also called coloscopy.

In idiot terms, it’s a camera up the bum!

I nearly had one of these a few years ago but by the time I saw the consultant my symptoms had all but gone and I’d worked out that it was down to a menopause supplement I’d been taking which contained iron and I can’t take iron. This time however there’s no such reprieve because my bowels are giving me major gyp so I’m currently waiting for my appointment to flop onto the mat so that I can get some serious worrying in.

Now, I did my homework on the colonoscopy first time round so I already know that it’s the colon cleansing prep that they give you which is the hardest part because to all intents and purposes, it’s EVIL!

So, yeah, NOT looking forward to that..

Most people say that the procedure itself is painless and sedative helps and BOY AM I GOING TO BE SEDATED!

Not so much as a FINGERNAIL will be going up my backside without me being pissed as a fart but once I am riding the pink unicorn they can pretty much do what they like.

Speaking of fart..

Seemingly I will be farting for Britain after the C scope due to the amount of air they put in to inflate the old bagpipes.. safe to say I will be leaving my dignity at home!

But it’s the waiting that gets you isn’t it?

Fear of the unknown…

It’s the thinking that I will be one of the unlucky ones who’s colon gets punctured.

It’s the thought of violent poo action once the prep has sufficiently irritated the lining of my colon.

It’s the thought what if..

What if they find something?

What if it’s a nasty?

What if I look at the monitor and see a ginormous tumour clinging to my colon like a limpet?

What if the tube won’t go in?

What if the tube won’t come out?

What if I have a coronary and die with a length of tube up my arse?

What if.

What if.

What if.

Holy Shit!

Being a glass smashed all over the floor type of person, I immediately go for the terminal option. Straight from piles to palliative care, me.

THUMP THUMP CLUNK CLUNK THUMP THUMP KER DUNK KER DUNK THUMP THUMP

That’s my heart clanging in fear.

My poor old sphincter is permanently clenched at the thought of being violated in this manner and as for having to wear one of those stupid gowns? I have a phobia of those things due to having put one on the wrong way once and I was er flashing my lady bits instead of my bum. It’s those verbal instructions you see. All I heard was “put gown on”..

Anyhoo, I am bulk buying extra soft bog roll and have several books lined up on Kindle for when I’m shitting myself delirious. I’ve also invested in some Vaseline and Sudocrem to smear around my bum hole as apparently it will think it’s been set fire to?

Hopefully it won’t be as bad as I fear and I have nothing more sinister than a bad case of Farmer Giles.

Finally, it goes without saying that if you’re having bum probs like blood in your poo, unexplained weight loss or changes in bowel habits to go and get yourself checked out. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s nothing that your Doc hasn’t seen or heard of before. Bums is all in a days work, innit?

Wish me luck, folks.

‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’ ~ Actual comment from bloke having a colonoscopy.

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14 thoughts on “Carry On Up The Colon

  1. Oh Tracy, it’s that unfortunate situation where the fear of the unknown is in duplicate for you…..how you will cope with the scope and what they might or might not find. The whole situation is hideous but for the sake of your mental well being and physical well being, you have no option but to have it done. Fingers crossed it will be like the dental waiting room, far worse waiting around and once you lay on the table, lie back and think of England as there’s no going back. My only advice I can offer is that as a mum when my kiddies were young, I let my mind think that I would rather have ANYTHING done to me than it happen to my little ones…..bugger that as they’ve got older but it helped in the past.
    Don’t go cheap on your toilet roll (bog roll) to you…….pay the extra for aloe vera! 😉
    Loves you big time…….💩🚽👍
    😘💜xxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOLOL I don’t intend to go cheap on the roll. Only the best ha ha. Good advice about thinking about my kids. I’ll do that, thank you 🙂 Lufs you xxxxxxx

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  2. Eek! Good luck! I’ve told nobody apart from my husband – and now you and all your readers – that I had a camera up the bum the other week. Mine was a sigmoidoscopy (I think!). I don’t know what the difference is. I was surprised at how much it hurt my stomach and it took half an hour rather than the five minutes I’d hoped for. They found nothing major to worry about, but I did have a polyp removed, which could have become cancerous in 10 or 15 years, so that was a relief! And I guess I’ll just have to put up with the ‘crappy’ symptoms I’ve been putting up with for years, safe in the knowledge that they’re nothing worse than an irritation.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Sarah, so glad to hear your results were good and great news that the polyp was removed. I had one of those done a few years ago. Not as invasive as the colonoscopy but you still fart a lot lol. You should blog about it! Us Brits don’t talk about our bums enough. 🙂 X

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  3. I had a colonoscopy just over a month ago. The prep wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I’d been expecting (from consulting with Dr Google!), so please don’t worry about that too much (easier said than done, I know). I had a polyp removed, that was of the ‘large and could become cancerous’ variety, and now have to have a colonoscopy every three years, but that’s way better than the alternative. The sedation was amazing, I don’t remember a thing, and I had no discomfort afterwards either. Although I was exhausted from the prep and no food for 36 hours thing! As you say, it’s always better to know than ignore these things. And to be honest, reading your blog and seeing how sensible and upfront you are about this is one of the things that made me swallow my embarrassment and go to the doctor in the first place, so give yourself a massive pat on the back for that 🙂 I plan to write about it because you are absolutely right that we need to talk about this stuff more – people are literally dying of embarrassment. If you have any questions about the prep etc. please ask – our experiences won’t be exactly the same because we’re not, but happy to help if I can xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Sara. I really hope you do write about your experience. One to help people get over the embarrassing part and two because people only tend to write about negative experiences so it will help to address the balance issue as most colonoscopies are fine. Thanks again. XX

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