Shit Gifts NOT To Buy Your Middle-Aged Mum This Mother’s Day

“My Mum is about five foot with her hair done. Without it she’s four foot 10”

Children can get away with literally ANYTHING on Mother’s Day because they’re small and cute. If a mother fails to be moved by the sight of a wobbly written card and daffodils filched from the next doors garden then she has a swinging brick where her heart should be, yes?

However, once we reach mid-teens and adulthood, the Mother’s Day game changes. A well thought out gift is like putting a pound in the slot machine and getting thirty back. The wrong gift, or worse, NOTHING and your mother will systematically break you down over the next twelve months AND FOREVER MORE!

I’m middle-aged and menopausal. My own mother went full psycho during her menopause so I know my shit and I’m willing to impart my knowledge on you readers. So here are my tips on what NOT to buy your middle-aged mother this Mother’s Day.

Cleaning Products/Household Shizz

This is the one of two days a year (the other being her birthday) where she endeavors to do sod all in the way of cooking or cleaning so if you stroll in with a new set of saucepans asking if she fancies ‘christening’ them, you may just end up in A&E with a head injury.

Gift Vouchers

Nothing says ‘I can’t be arsed’ quite like a gift voucher.

Alcohol

Alcohol and hormone imbalance can quickly turn an amicable afternoon into plate hurling carnage. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.

Perfume

A woman’s body chemistry changes during the menopause so it’s best to stick with what you know works for her now. Also, don’t buy cheap version from the local market. You know, those that cost Ā£2.99 and claim to smell like Chanel but actually smell like fox piss? You gets what you pays for and you’ll be paying for it for the forseeable in mental anguish.

Keep Fit DVDs

You’re telling her she’s fat.

Bathroom Scales

You’re telling her she’s fat.

Chocolates

You’re making her fat.

Anti-Ageing Products

You’re telling her she has the complexion of a prune. Yes, she uses this stuff by the pallet load but nobody is supposed to know!

The Shits

By all means cook her a nice meal for Mother’s Day, just make sure it’s not Coq au Salmonella.

Candles

Candles intended to mask cat pee, fag smoke or last night’s haddock do not say ‘I love you, Mum’.

Slippers

Unless she’s slap-bang in the throes of a particularly nasty mid-life crisis.. tiger print slipper boots (with pom-poms) are a NO. The other end of the scale are those royal blue/burgundy floral slippers favoured by the elderly and you may find yourself being assaulted with a size 4 slip-on if you’re not careful.

Might one suggest a nice pair of velour mules?

Mother’s Day Compilation CDs

Complied by morons, these CDs usually end up being flogged for 50p in charity shops.

They usually come with the obligatory Gary Barlow song and the rest are obviously chosen at random, possibly under the influence of alcohol.

For research purposes, I looked at the track listings for one such CD and aside Keating et al was Freda Payne’s Band of Gold (a song about being dumped) and Bridge Over Troubled Water which is enough to have your poor old dear reaching for the gin..

Or a noose.

When you’re weary, feeling small. When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.

Then again, ANY mother who has spent the last eight hours fumigating her teenage son’s pit of a bedroom will probably be able to identify with these lyrics, so maybe there’s method in the madness?

Don’t buy it JUST because it says MUM on it. You’re not cute enough to get away with it anymore. Plus, you’re dealing with hormonal disturbance of MAJOR proportions, you know?

You HAVE been warned!

Of course, if your mother actually requests any of the above (aside salmonella) then yer off the ‘ook, as it were.

I’d still steer clear of alcohol though..

Even Lambrini.

A Word of Caution About Cards

Mother’s Day cards are on the shelves from February. There is NO excuse for not getting her a card. Even if you plead poverty for a gift, everybody can afford a card, even if it’s a Tesco Value one..

I will tell you the story of a teenage boy who came back from staying at his mates house one Sunday to see a beautiful Mother’s Day card displayed on the mantel piece and his younger brother mouthing “You’re dead, Bruv” to him.

“SHIT!” he exclaimed. Then shot out of the house and round to the local Co-op where to his surprise, ALL the Mother’s Day cards had sold out..

So he improvised.

I birthed this child!

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17 thoughts on “Shit Gifts NOT To Buy Your Middle-Aged Mum This Mother’s Day

  1. Oh dear lol. You had me laughing. I have always said…”never buy me anything for any bday, Christmas ,mothers day…that can be used in the kitchen or to clean the house. Like a vacuum cleaner. I don’t mind some perfume. Chocolates well I make my own. A good book always works for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All these ‘named’ means one thing……disappointment, arguments, sulks, excuses, they are damned really whichever option they take. Ok, so I want presents (expensive) and good quality cards…..I actually keep special cards, probably a fire hazard and I need to throw some out! But the hand writing on a few kept cards are all I have left to me from my mum and dad. Probably I will receive a good old ‘Moonpig’ card, they best you can expect when your lads are posted abroad in the British Army. Oh how I look forward to Sunday morning on Instagram, those ladies you follow who just love to show off their bloody perfect lives made so much better by their perfect kids buying them the perfect presents, cards and taking them out for the perfect meal…..oh yes, photographic evidence will be there for us mere mortals to ‘like’ and comment on. Such special words thanking their mums for everyday of their brilliant lives, Channel perfume, a Burberry Bag and then a meal in a five star Michelin restaurant….yep, I can assure you our noses will be well and truly rubbed in it. Oh how I laugh when I say all I want is a 99p bunch of daffodils……….
    I’m so excited about Sunday I probably won’t be able to sleep Saturday night……

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Brilliant! Love the Mothers Day card, suddenly I have a pile of cards for every occasion!

    Mothers Day is my favourite of the days. I can absolve myself of all responsibility and let the kids loose in Poundland. Give me a week and I’ll be able to add two more things to your list. Two things you’ll have never thought ‘giftable’, less still desirable or appropriate šŸ™‚

    If I don’t speak to you before, Happy Mothers Day!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this! It’s the specially branded Mother’s Day tat – the CDs etc – that I object to most of all. Although my daughter bought me a cushion last year and as she was 10 and it came completely from the heart, that’s OK. I would NOT buy one for my own mum. It’s pure laziness. Oh, and my 15yo has given me an early Mother’s Day present. It’s a saucepan. Again, I know his heart was completely in the right place with it. But his Dad has told him that it’s not generally the sort of thing we buy…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I would just rather have tea and toast in bed a bunch of daffs and Dirty Dancing with my feet up in the afternoon…that’s a perfect Mother’s Day for me. šŸ˜ Well done that lad for trying though – ingenious!

    Like

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