I came across this article while I was sat on a cafe toilet in rural Cumbria.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my vintage nostalgia but women as second class doormats is best left where it is in my opinion..
It occurred to me just how much times have changed so I thought I would compare housewives sixty two years apart. For this purpose I have created Shit Wife..
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.
Shit Wife is impressed with Mary Berry’s baking skills, but hasn’t yet managed to create the perfect bake. Or mediocre bake. In fact, she’s crap at baking. However, Bezzer’s books look fab on her bookshelf.
Prepare yourself. Touch up your make up.
Shit Wife looks like Alice Cooper by tea-time and is about as fresh looking as week old roadkill. Depending on the season (and availability of leggings) she may also have cactus legs!
Put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
The last time Shit Wife wore ribbons, David Beckham was a sperm.
He has just been with a lot of work-weary people!
Shit Wife has had the day from HELL. She’s been e-mailing the council about the bins AGAIN, the lurcher’s dinner has done an encore all over the kitchen floor and one of the other mums has been giving her the evils on the school yard!
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house before your husband arrives.
Shit Wife gets busy with the hoover about 30 minutes before Hubs gets in. She’s perfected the art of looking knackered when it fact she’s been binge watching Desperate Housewives all afternoon..
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Shit Wife hasn’t the time (or inclination) for such crap.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Shit Wife has no problem getting them to be quiet as they’ve lost the ability to speak thanks to modern technology. They now communicate via text.
Can u giv meeee sum £ pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Be happy to see him
Shit Wife imagines Hubs is Sean Bean..
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Shit Wife imagine Hubs is Sean Bean. NAKED.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems
Shit Wife unloads her crap unto Hubs’ before his coat’s off.
Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.
*Author of blog starts to choke*
Shit Wife flings Hubs’ tea in the bin when he staggers in late and pissed. If she’s on her period (or menopausal) she’ll launch the plate at him as well. Lucky for him her aim is always off. So far, she’s trashed three dinner sets and half a dozen mugs. However, Hubs’ is now highly competent at plastering. If he stays out all night he will come home to find she’s changed the locks, his clothes are in bin-bags on the pavement and ‘DIE BASTARD’ has been weed-killered into the front lawn. He should count this as minor compared to what she’ll do when she gets her hands on him!
Arrange his pillow
Shit Wife regularly ponders the consequences of smothering Hubs to death with his, especially when he’s snorting like a pig and drooling all over her new Argos duvet set. She bides her time for when the menopause finally robs her of her sanity and she can get away with manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility.
Offer to take off his shoes.
Shit Wife knows Hubs’ feet smell like sick and under NO circumstances (including life threatening) would she EVER touch them.
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Shit Wife’s voice can reach well over 90 decibels when sufficiently riled, like when Hubs turns Emmerdale off to watch some crap about building sheds on Channel Bore.
Remember, he is master of the house.
Only in his dreams..
You have no right to question him.
Shit Wife will give him an interrogation Roz Huntley would be proud of. He WILL be questioned – at length – until he breaks.
A good wife always knows her place.
A good husband knows when to back away slowly.
Disclaimer. Note, Shit Wife is based loosely on me (not saying which bits) and a few women I know with a lot of creative license thrown in.
P.S all wives are not shit.