Five Reasons Why Ageing Sucks

 

Teeth

Dental hygiene plays an important part in gum health. Brushing ‘n’ flossing keeps Gingivitis at bay but for some people receding gums can be a matter of genetics, so if several members of your family have receded gums, the odds are that you will too. I know, it’s shit.

I have nice teeth but there’s more tooth on show than there used to be, hence, I am starting to resemble Shergar. The good news is that I still have all my own teeth at 47, which is fang-bloody-tastic considering my mother had a full set of false teeth by the time she was 50. WIN!

Skin

As we age, our skin loses elasticity – it’s called Elastosis.

It’s where all those years of lying on the lawn nuking yourself come back to haunt you with skin that looks like crepe paper. You know, CREPE PAPER? The crinkly stuff we used to make flowers with at school?

Another perk (not) of ageing is that skin becomes translucent which is why we start to resemble AA road maps by the time we are in our 50s. At this stage, PLEASE GOD, DON’T WEAR MINI SKIRTS!

That said, what the hell, it’s your life so wear what you like. Just don’t whinge when somebody turns your saggy backside into a GIF and gets it trending on social media.

Eyesight

Eyesight naturally deteriorates with age. Over time the lens hardens and you struggle to focus. You’re permanently squinting and find yourself holding everything at arm’s length, including your kids. You can’t thread needles anymore and you have to ask your family to read the small print on food packaging or you run the risk of giving them the shits.

You also have your Kindle font on size ENORMOUS.

So, you book an appointment at your local opticians for an eye-test and end up with a pair of specs (two in my case) that will cost you the same price as a week in Barbados, depending on what extras they con you into. However, the good thing about blurry eyesight is the instant soft focus you get without your specs on. YOU DON’T LOOK AS CRAP IN THE MIRROR!

Gimme a high-five!

Feet

Feet, like everything else, change with age. The changes in our feet are largely due to good old gravity and the pounding that they take over years.

The result is more hoof, than foot.

Corns, bunions, deformities, flat and calloused feet are par for the course when it comes to feet unless you REALLY look after them but most people will succumb to at least one of these things after decades of stuffing their foot neglect.

It’s safe to say that my own feet have hit their fugly stage. Boo. 😦

However, it’s my own fault because my idea of a pedicure is to cock my feet over the loo twice a month to cut my nails. No filing them or shaving the balls of my feet with a pumice stone/Black and Decker belt sander, depending on what state the skin is in.

When it comes to shoes, the mid-life woman is more into Pavers than six-inch stilettos and men naturally gravitate towards trainers, slip-ons and sandals. The problem is when they wear sandals with SOCKS to hide their ingrowing toe-nails. To such an offender, my advice is this:

Mate, you look a div. No human over the age of 5 should wear socks with sandals. Lose the socks OR the sandals. You’re welcome.

Hairy toes?

Don’t start me.

Farting

Two thirds of menopausal women report an increase in farting. Fact.

Being post-menopausal, I can vouch for this. I’m definitely more flatulent than before my ovaries pensioned themselves off. Some experts say it’s due to lack of oestrogen, while others say it’s due to an ageing digestive system. It’s not just women though, as middle-aged men are more prone to ‘bottom-blasting’ too.

We literally become old farts.

My theory is that when we reach middle age, most of us will have had some kind of health scare requiring a radical diet change, usually to include more fruit and veg. Combine an increase of fiber with a digestive system that’s buggered from years of trying to digest junk food and you basically start farting yourself into a coma. Am I wrong?

Growing old is a privilege, so we should be grateful that we’ve got this far. However, we can still have a laugh at ourselves, eh? Laughing is what keeps us young inside..

β€œ…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.” Terry Pratchett – Moving Pictures

Creative Commons Images Via Pixabay

 

 

13 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why Ageing Sucks

  1. Tracy this was so funny but kind of tragic because in my case so much of it is true!
    As they do often say, youth is wasted on the young and not truer words are said.
    You’ve missed out on boobs and gravity……..groping for a nipple tweak means lifting the skirt, not that I know this 1st hand, I don’t wear skirts! πŸ˜‰….. Pull on my skin on the back of my hands and the minutes pass by until it drops back down to its rightful place 😐
    But age has given me confidence that I don’t give a flying f%%k what you think of me wandering around my garden dead heading my flowers, neighbours it’s your fault and you will have to live with yourself if you decide to peep over the fences or through the hedges and believe me, it’s a sight that will take its time to leave your brain! πŸ‘€πŸ‘΅πŸΌπŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚
    Big loves πŸ˜˜πŸ’‹

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOLOL, there will be more posts and nipples will be addressed, no fear haha. One of the good things about getting older is that we don’t care as much. YAY πŸ™‚ xxxx

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  2. Whoops missed a bit out (trouble with doing this on my iPhone πŸ˜–) was meant to be wandering round the garden in my bikini πŸ‘™ dead heading flowers, hope I don’t scare the neighbours by just being me! πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve seen you in your ‘kini’ and you’ve got nowt to worry about. I wish I looked as good as you, in one. You’ve probably got a few admirers who perv at you behind their venition blinds πŸ˜‰XxxxxxX

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    • I HATE people messing with my feet, including me. My mum used to spend hours on her feet and the weirdo liked having her toes tickled. Urgh. I keep my socks on as much as possible lol

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Too funny.

    Twice I’ve been diagnosed as middle aged. Twice. Different doctors.

    Starting to think it’s a conspiracy. That somewhere on my medical notes it says ‘tell him he’s middle aged and enjoy’.

    Liked by 1 person

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