I LOVE music. Without music, where would we be? But occasionally I hear a song and think to myself, ‘What the actual eff were you thinking when you wrote this?’
He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) – The Crystals – 1962
“He couldn’t stand to hear me say
That I’d been with someone new,
And when I told him I had been untrue
He hit me
And it felt like a kiss
He hit me
And I knew he loved me”
It’s hard to believe that this was co written by a woman, let alone a woman who has allegedly suffered repeated domestic abuse. Carole King, what were you thinking?!
Every Breath You Take – The Police – 1983
“Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you”
A popular song reaching the top of the charts. People have this played at their wedding as ‘their song’. Romantic, eh? You can just imagine the newlyweds taking to the dance floor with their family and friends looking on, dabbing their eyes with hankies. Aww.
Er, THE SONG IS ABOUT STALKING!
“I woke up in the middle of the night with that line in my head, sat down at the piano and had written it in half an hour. The tune itself is generic an aggregate of hundreds of others, but the words are interesting. It sounds like a comforting love song. I didn’t realize at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of Big Brother surveillance and control”. ~ Sting
Baby It’s Cold Outside – Tom Jones & Cerys Matthews 1999
My mother will start to worry (beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I’d better scurry (beautiful please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (baby, it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? Rohypnol by the sounds of it! (no cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
The song was written in 1944 by Frank Loesser and there have been numerous versions. I listed Tom Jones’ version, simply because it’s the one I’m the most familiar with. To be fair, when you put these lyrics in the context of the era they were written in (1944) you understand that in those days it wasn’t the done thing to spend the night with a boyfriend or fiance. Also, the reference to ‘what’s in this drink’ was a saying of the era to blame one’s actions on alcohol. However, the song morphs into territory of the creepy kind when viewed by today’s standards, no?
Tap Turns On The Water – CCS – 1971
“Peak through the bathroom door (Did you ever, did you ever)
See your sister in the raw (Did you ever, did you ever)”
One of the most disturbing songs of my childhood.
Missy Elliott – Work It – 2002
“Take my thong off and my ass go boom!”
Me too, Missy. Me too..
Miley Cyrus – I Forgive Yiew – 2015
“How dare you bring another chick in our bed
You’re lucky I’m doing my yoga, or you might be dead”
30 Hours – Kanye West – 2016
“My ex said she gave me the best years of her life
Seen a recent picture of her and I guess she was right”
You’d be under the patio if you were my ex, Kanye. Here’s hoping you age horribly.
Burn Bitch Burn – Kiss -1984
“Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.”
One of the finest rock ballads of all time. GET YOUR FAG LIGHTERS UP IN THE AIR!
Figure You Out – Nickleback – 2003
“I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.”
Chlamydia or gonorrhea, Chad?
Come On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners – 1982
“You in that dress, My thoughts I confess,
Verge on dirty,
Oh, come on Eileen”
Every time we shout, ‘Come on Eileen’, we are urging the poor girl to give into Kevin Rowland’s constant badgering to have it off. Also, Eileen does NOT wear a dress in the video. She wears a fetching pair of dungarees – possibly to keep Kev’s thoughts from verging on the ‘dirty’. Incidentally, ‘Eileen’ was played by Máire Fahey, sister of Siobhan Fahey from Bananarama. Consider yourselves enlightened, peeps. Too loo rye aye?
Kim – Eminem – 2000
A hate/love song penned about his wife, Kim, cheating on him. Seemingly you can put the fantasy of killing your wife into song lyrics and it be perfectly acceptable? Not only that. A follow up song where you take your DAUGHTER with you to dispose of her mother’s body in the lake? Er, Mr Policemen, hello?
“You really f**ked me Kim
You really did a number on me
Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me
But we was kids then Kim, I was only eighteen
That was years ago”
So, let me get this straight. He cheated on her FIRST but it’s OK because he was only eighteen and in any case, it was years ago, so it doesn’t count?
Here’s the thing, Marshall. 18 is the age when the United States (and the rest of the world) considers young people capable of accepting responsibility for their actions. I vote that Kim writes her own song where she sticks YOU in the boot of a car (naked) and drives YOU to a remote location where it’s only inhabitant is a grizzly bear with a penchant for nuts.
The popularity of this song makes me fear for humanity.
Miley Cyrus (again) BB Talk – 2015
“Look, I like when you send me, you know, the queen emoji, but when I send back the monkey, you know, the ones with the hands over the eyes? That means that shit’s just getting a little too weird for me.”
Puff Daddy feat. Mase – Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down -1997
“Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.”
Makes a change from hemorrhoids, Puff.
Michael Bolton – Can I Touch You There? -1995
“Can I touch you there?”
Destiny’s Child – Bills Bills Bills – 1999
“Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo’ bills? Then maybe we can chill. I don’t think you do, so you and me are through.”
So much for the ‘Independent Woman’, eh girls?
Sing it with me now..
“All the women, who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys, who making money
Throw your hands up at me”
Coming soon: Songs That Make You Go WTF. Side B