This week – how to be mask-less (ish) and survive with marbles intacto.
Firstly, no more f**ks shall be given.
By ‘f**ks’ I mean Not giving a f**k is living whilst BEING YOURSELF.
It’s time to be selfish and I know that for most of us autistics it’s a BIG ask because we’re so used to worrying about not upsetting those around us, right?
We’ve suppressed who we are, just so other people don’t feel uncomfortable around us?
Well, as my dear old mum used to say (frequently)
Sod THAT for a game of soldiers!
Or was it conkers?
Anyway, it’s time to take back what’s ours – which is our rightful place on this planet!
We need to be us.
Not a version of us.
Or someone we quite like off the telly.
And if people start giving us a hard time for being our glorious selves – we can walk away. We can also flick them the V’s, but why waste the energy? Haven’t we wasted enough precious time and energy on those toxic tw@ts?
Self-care is essential for autists. You’ve got to know when to put yourself into recovery mode and not to try and override your brain when it’s telling you it’s about to malfunction!
If you are the overly sensitive kind of autist, you’ll need to steer clear of bad news or toxic people. It (and they) will have a detrimental effect on your mental health.
It’s also important to be mindful of how much time you spend on electronic gadgets and social media. The autistic brain often struggles to cope with copious amounts of information in one hit. This is why we get headaches and anxiety. Set yourself time limits and stick to them and don’t take your electronics to bed with you!
Electronics = Stimulating= Insomnia= Godzilla
To Socialise or Not to Socialise?
This is very much down to the individual. Some autists love to socialise. Others, like me, don’t. But sometimes socialising is necessary because people get married and die and stuff.
So what to do?
I have devised a plan.
Firstly, it’s OK to decline invitations. That event will go ahead without you and nobody will really give a toss whether you’re there or not once they’ve necked a few ciders!
Secondly, reserve the right to cancel at the last moment. Tell your host in advance that you may have to cancel. It’s up to you whether or not you disclose the reason why, but I am always honest about my anxiety and fibromyalgia.
With a bit of luck, this will put them off ever asking me again! Muhaha
Thirdly, don’t feel obliged to make small talk with people. Do what makes you comfortable and if that’s sitting in the corner with a massive slice of Victoria sponge and a pint of gin – sobeit.
Fourthly, you have the right to throat punch anybody who tries to drag you onto the dance floor to do the ‘macarena’ or any other dance that involves synchronisation on a mass scale. The reason is that autistic people are generally uncoordinated, innit. Then again, one can flourish the no f**ks given card and unleash your magnificent stimmy-moves along to Dancing Queen.
Dance or punch. The choice is yours.
Finally, leave when you need to leave – even if it’s after ten seconds.
When it comes to employment, you don’t have to go to works ‘dos’. It’s NOT compulsory. People invariably get drunk, make prats of themselves and spend the next six months avoiding every work colleague they propositioned whilst under the influence of thirty-six Pernod’s!
If the words ‘work’s do’ make you feel so anxious that you do a bit of sick in your throat, it’s probably best that you stay at home and watch Casualty in your Pokemon onesie instead!
Remind yourself that this is your world too. It might not feel like it, but it is. And we only get one shot at life (shameless cliche) so why waste time wearing masks that will only suffocate us in the end?
For what it’s worth, I do believe that masking has it’s place, but only as an occasional ‘aid’ that benefits the individual. Like everything else – when something is used to excess, all benefits are lost. In the case of masking – people develop mental illnesses because of the effort it takes to be someone else and subsequently the loss of their own identity.
All I ask is that people understand the consequences of long-term masking.
We need to understand our limits and for those rare occasions when we have to push ourselves into uncomfortable territory (such as weddings or funerals) we MUST practice self-care – before, during and after the event. The exception to this is our own funeral because if there is ever a time when no f**ks are given – it’s when it’s us who’s lying in the coffin. You get me?
Being yourself is hard after a life of masking. I know. But we were never meant to be ‘one of the herd’. (another shameless cliche)
In trying to be the same as everyone else we just end up standing out even more, but not necessarily in the way we’d want to.
I recently drove through Dartmoor where there were wild horses grazing among thousands of sheep. It was a breathtakingly beautiful place. It’s also a bit arse-clench-y when sheep wander in front of the car like they are some kind of death wish. Point is, the sheep vastly outnumber the horses, but they co-exist with them. The horses are not trying to be like the sheep. The horses are comfortable being horses and the sheep accept them and get on with the important task of grazing or having a poo.
That’s the kind world I’d like to live in.
Not the grazing and pooing bit. Obvs.
I mean all autistic people living as autistic people.
Will that happen in my time? Probably not, but I really hope it will happen in my son’s lifetime.
The only way that can possibly happen is to #TakeTheMaskOff.