Panic Attack (Fear)

Waking in the early hours

Feeling of foreboding

Fear consumes me

My heart beats faster and faster


I feel so cold

From the inside out

Is this where I die?

My breathing is all wrong

My lungs won’t fill


Catastrophic thoughts

Obliterate the logical

Please God

Not like this


Wave after wave

Nausea strikes

I retch and heave

Sparkles in my vision

Life flashes before me

The last movie I’ll ever see

I pray to my creator

To whoever is there

Make it stop

Or give me strength

To endure the end

I think of those I love

How can I leave them

When my job isn’t done?

I hear the clock

Its tick and chime

I hear my heart thump

As if I’m sprinting

Only I’m sitting still

I wait for it to explode

For life to end

Will it be afterlife?

Or annihilation?

Then it happens

My heartbeat slows

My lungs fill with air

The shaking subsides

I’m still here

I didn’t die

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Shutting Down

Sometimes I need to shutdown.

I just stop functioning.

Even if I want to speak, the words won’t come.

Not even yes or no.

I am aware of you talking but I can’t answer.

Like a form of paralysis

I have no words to reassure you.

A storm is raging within me

My inner fight.

I’ll get through it.

As all storms pass

There may have been a trigger

A memory, thought or word.

Stuff builds up.

Things you’d never imagine would matter.

Trivial to you.

Astronomic to me.

Leave me to unravel my thoughts and I’ll come back

But for now I have to withdraw.

Like a computer that’s frozen

I need to shut down and restart.

I can’t process these thoughts..

They whirl inside my head.

Building momentum.



Big fuck off mountains out of molehills.

Thoughts you wouldn’t want..

So when I leave without explanation, let me go.

To sleep.

To escape.

In order for my mind to unravel itself.

I’m not doing it to hurt you.

Nor am I being intentionally rude.

It’s just that it’s necessary.

Survival mode.

My brain is wired differently..

Incompatible with this world.

Too much information

Sensory overload.

So I’m asking you to understand as best you can..

The reason why this happens

That it’s not you.

It’s me.

Spectrum Sunday