Being seven years (ish) post-menopausal, I
figured hoped that I’d experienced all there was to the menopause. Surely, Mother Nature had no more menopausal ‘surprises’ for me?
Apparently not, because the other day I peered (not a typo) into my pants to discover that my pubic hair have all but farked off!
I’m gutted because I’ve always been fond of my pubic hair. Pubes as pubes are meant to be. Not landing strips or love hearts. Or non-existent.
I recall scrutinizing a naked Sindy doll and she looked grown up, but there was no hair on her unmentionables. I knew that grown-up ladies had hair on their unmentionables and Sindy was a grown up – albeit on a borrower scale – so why didn’t her unmentionables have hair? In the end I felt-tipped some ‘pubes’ on for her, and while I was at it, I gave her some nipples. Then I blacked out one or two of her teeth and gave her an edgy tattoo..
To be fair, I was more interested in my brother’s Action Man than Sindy and he was also missing some vital genitalia.. so I got creative and made him one out of Plasticine.
Bit o’ Trivia
The Barbie prototype had nipples, but they were filed off and the doll was remodelled without them.
The point is that I don’t understand the obsession in wanting to look like a doll, whether it’s your face (or fanny) but if it is your thing, you probably won’t be as bothered when your pubes abandon you, and think of the money you’ll save!
Question: How could you NOT notice you were losing pubes?
That’s easy to answer..
I can’t see that area when I’m standing up thanks to mid-life spread. Nor have I noticed anything untoward in the bath due to an excess of bubbles and general reluctance to focus on my strange carcass. The only reason I noticed my dwindling lady-garden at all was because I happened to be lying down and my panty-liner had attached itself to a few of my remaining pubic hairs, WHICH FRICKIN HURT!
Is it possible that former me was abducted by aliens and present me is someone who looks like me, but is wearing some kind of skin-suit made up by a trainee alien sewing-machinest? THIS IS ABSOLUTELY PLAUSIBLE, YES?
Snap out of it, loon. Embrace the hair-loss or purchase yourself a merkin!
Aha! Merkins are pube wigs! They date back to the 1450s when pube removal kept lice at bay and a woman could slap on a merkin and pretend she still had a magnificent bush!
(Scratched your crotch, dintcha?)
These days, merkins are used in film and television when genitalia need to be covered up for ‘nude shots’ to abide by contracts or age-ratings. There will also be situations where actors don’t have enough pubes of his/her own. For instance, a film set in the 1970s era will generally require copious amounts of hair. Big hair-dos. Chest hair. Big beards. Big moustaches. BIG PUBES!
I’m all for being positive about the menopause, but I would be lying if I said that the transition has been easy for me. I’m autistic, therefore I don’t do change, but humour is a way of coping with the loss of who I once was and I’m not the only hormonally challenged
lunatic woman who understands the value of having a good laugh!*
In the spirit of a good old ha-ha, have a look at these responses to this question on Mumsnet in 2017.
“Do lady gardens stop needing to be mowed?”
Ex nurse here. I’ve seen more older ladies lady gardens than I’ve had hot dinners. Yes, they do tend to get sparser with age. There are exceptions to every rule, but in general this is true. ~ Watto1
My lawn is distictly patchy, but there’s copious couch grass spreading down my legs. ~ Pick A Chew
Post-meno here with a lady-garden that Alan Titchmarsh would get lost in. Sorry~ Zaphodsotherhead
Post-meno and a flourishing lady-garden?
WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?!!!
*howls, why can’t it be meeeeeee?*
Being autistic (and obsessive) it’s not enough that I am losing my pubic hair. I have to know why my ‘lady garden’ looks sparser than our back lawn during the heat wave in 1976!
The simple answer is that Mother Nature is a vindictive cow – though technically it’s changes in the balance of the oestrogen and testosterone. And it’s not just pubic hair. Ooh no. It’s hair on your scalp and armpits too! What’s more, you can expect hair (s) to appear on your face, nipples or toes. In fact, throw in a wart and a black cat and kids will start asking if there’s room on your broom!
Ageing is about seasons and I am in the autumn of my years and autumn is a fitting description for what’s going down with my pubic hair because deciduous bushes shed their leaves just like I’m shedding pubes, right? However, the good news for the bushes is that spring will come again. No such luck for my pubes!
So there you have it: receding gums, weight gain, stress incontinence, constipation, insomnia, vaginal dryness, wrinkles, dry skin, wiping the floor with your own nips, an arse which spans at least three post-codes and now there’s pube-loss to look forward to. I’d say crack open a bottle of wine and get mullered, but the menopause makes you less tolerant to alcohol and that’s another gigantic kick in the flaps right there!
How’s about a nice mug of Chamomile tea instead?
*Googles ‘Where do I buy a merkin?’
*Making sure that that panty liner is firmly in place, because, leakage?