I hate the gym.
Firstly because I’m an anti-social arsehole. Secondly, I have a pathological fear of looking at another woman’s pubes (attached or on the floor) when I’m showering.
Communal showers? Me dear? No dear.
The last female pubes (other than my own) that I clapped eyes was in 1986 when I was shoved into the communal showers by our sadistic PE teacher who was having no more of my ‘Please excuse my daughter from showering – she’s on her period’ notes.
The gym not your bag either? Here are some simple (but effective) exercises you can do at home or when you are out and about.
The Curling Tongs Squat – Bum & Thighs
I use my straighteners for this exercise..
Instead of resting the appliance on a table, or between your thighs, put it on the floor.
Health and safety: Use a heat mat (obvs) or you’ll set fire to the farking carpet.
Starting in the standing position, keep your feet shoulder-width apart. Pull in your tummy, push your hips back and bend your knees, lowering the body into a squatting position. Pause, pick up your hair appliance, then push back up to the starting position. Fiddle with your hair a bit, then lower yourself back into the squatting position – placing the appliance on the floor.
Do these squats every time you do your hair and you’ll have a rear-end like Kim Kardashian in no time!
Health and Safety: Have your mobile phone to hand in case you pop a hip joint.
The Bag For Life Cardio and Bicep Workout – Biceps/Cardio
Go to local supermarchet and buy two carrier bags worth of groceries. These must include a few tins. I suggest ‘bags for life’ – not those flimsy pieces of shite they flog you for 5p. You know the ones – wispy bits of plastic that surrender under the pressure of a loaf and a packet of Kit-Kats.
Keep the loads evenly balanced and start walking home.
Build up a nice fast pace to get your heart going like the clappers, hence, cardio.
Once you’re nice and warmed up – start lifting your carrier bags as if you’re doing a bicep curl with a dumbbell. Do a few reps with the right, then switch to the left.
You might notice people crossing the road away from you or doing a finger-swirly thing at the side of their heads? Swirly-finger aside, they are actually doing you a favour because it means that you have the entire pavement to yourself. More room to throw those bags about, dears.
Too far to walk? No probs! Park your car further away and get a few reps in before you collapse onto the drivers seat. Opt for this instead of doing your shopping online and within a few months you’ll be fit as feck.
Or possibly dead after having suffered a massive coronary..
Health and Safety: Always carry your mobile phone should you need to phone for a taxi or ambulance.
StairMaster Challenge – Bum & Thighs – Cardio.
This one is really simple. You alternate between running up the stairs and taking them two at a time whenever you get the chance. Running up the stairs gives you a cardio workout and taking them two at a time will give you thighs like tree-trunks. Just think of how magnificent you will look in those hot-pants you’ve been hoarding since 1975!
P.S This won’t work if you live in a bungalow.
Door Slide Squat – Bums & Thighs
For this you need a door – preferably a smooth one.
Stand with your back against a closed door and slowly lower yourself down to squatting position, then slowly push yourself back up.
First time I did this, the buggering door gave way. Before I knew what was happening my Reeboks were up in the air and I was staring at the bedroom ceiling. £250 quids worth of You’ve Been Framed right there. Thankfully nobody knew about except me. And now you, readers..
This exercise works your bum and thighs. Again, it might be an idea to keep your mobile handy in-case you can’t get up once you’re down. Though, I always find that a military type sideways roll sorts that particular problem out.
Health and Safety: Always check that the door shuts properly or you could end up doing yourself a mischief..
Bath Bingo-Wing Blaster – Triceps
Bingo-wings are what happens when the skin on your arms (the muscle above your elbow) carry on wobbling long after you’ve stopped waving to your mate across the street. It’s the reason cardigans were invented and it’s why some menopausal women wear one even when it’s 33 degrees in the shade.
YES I’M TALKING ABOUT ME!
Bingo-wings are unsightly but you can get rid of them without having some sweaty sergeant-major wannabe hovering over you bellowing, ‘GIMME FIFTY, YOU ‘ORRIBLE LITTLE WOMAN!’.
For this exercise, you’ll need a chair. A stable chair. Not a B & Q plastic garden chair.
Sit on the chair and grip the edges either side of you. Move your feet forwards to lift your bum off the chair. Keeping your knees hip-width apart and bent at 90 degrees, lower yourself by bending your arms to about 90 degrees, keeping your elbows tucked in. Push back up and repeat 10 to 15 times.
I do this on the side of the bath when I go for a wee.
NOT that I wee in the bath..
This is the same as the chair exercise. You simply use the side of the bath as you would the chair, innit?
Health and safety: Don’t do this after having a bath. It’s asking for a fast ride in the back of an ambulance with the nee-nar on.
Pelvic Floor Workout
As we age the muscles around the bladder, vagina and bum passage get slack. This is why we piss ourselves laughing. LITERALLY. However, there are exercises we can do to help with this problem and the good news is that we can do them anytime, anyplace – anywhere.
If you want to ‘feel’ where your pelvic floor muscles are – stop yourself mid-wee. That is your pelvic floor muscle working only you shouldn’t do this as a strengthening exercise.
Squeeze the muscles about 10-15 times in a row.
You can do this while standing in the post-office queue if you like. Unless your concentrating face is the ‘tongue out’ kind, nobody will know what you are up to. Do these exercises every day and stick the Vs up to incontinence.
So there you go. No need to go sweating it out at the local gym or paying extortionate fees. All these are free.
Note: These exercises are valid (except for the carrier bag bicep-curl which is me being a tit) but it’s a good idea to get yourself an MOT at your GPs before launching yourself into any keep fit regime. Oh, and make sure your life-insurance is up to date in the event of you carking it mid-squat. 😉
Viva La Menopause!