Alone in the Universe

I like to be alone.

I am completely comfortable in my own company, probably because it’s only when I’m alone that I can be myself. There’s no need to pretend to be normal. I can just be me.

When it comes to loneliness, people usually identify it with physically being on their own. Not me. I can be in a room jam-packed full of people and still feel incredibly lonely because I know I don’t belong. That’s my lonely.

I didn’t ask to be born. None of us do. We are here by choice or mistake and nine months later, out we pop, with no instructions on how to do life. We are at the mercy of those around us and all too often those people let us down.

Those people who had a duty of care to me at school let me down.

As a child I played alone until the age of five and then I had to attend school, or ‘shithole’ as I call it.

School was where I was expected to socialise and interact using skills which I didn’t possess or understand.

School was where I was bullied by children AND teachers.

School was where my sense of not belonging started.

It was clear that other children didn’t like me but I didn’t know why. I tried my best to be invisible but all that did was make me even MORE conspicuous. All I know is that I came to dislike myself too because of it. I couldn’t bunk off because I knew it was wrong. Nor was I able to express my struggles to my teachers or parents so I had no choice but to endure every hellish second of it until I got home.

Home was where I felt safe.

Home was where I was loved unconditionally.

Home was where I could lose myself in my obsessions.

Yet even with my closest family, I was unable to be me. I belonged, yes. My parents would have loved me regardless of anything but I didn’t know how to be myself in front of them. Most of the photographs from my formative years are of me looking away from the camera. That was me before life pressured me into being someone I wasn’t in order to try and fit in. Personas and masks became necessary in order for me to survive.

Something that is common to ALL humans is the need to belong and be accepted by others. I have a need to belong in some meaningful way just as much as anybody else and I want to leave this world having made a difference in some small way. Yet for most of my life, I have felt alien, like I don’t belong here. I breathe the same air. I am a human being in every respect of the word except that my brain is wired differently and people know you are different. They can sense it even if they can’t see it, like Will Smith in Men in Black, who can spot the aliens a mile off despite them wearing their ‘human suits’. That’s how it feels to be me sometimes – an alien wearing a human suit.

These past few months have been an eye-opener for me. The most important change is that for the first time in my life I no longer feel alone in this world. Why? Because there are 700,000 autistic people in the UK alone so add to the rest of the planets autistic population and that’s bloody shit-loads!

There is an autistic community where I don’t have to think, ‘Will this freak people out?’ before I ‘speak’ because people get it. Imagine. After ALL these years. I get to be my freaky self and other human beings say, ‘Yeah, I do that’.

AWESOME!!

I’m hoping that the therapy I am currently receiving will help to address the many years where I was treated badly simply for being me..

The girl who walked up to me one day and slapped me across my face for no reason at all? She was a coward. She was a big girl hitting a small girl – a bully who needed to be flanked by her cronies at all times. I blamed myself for so many years but I know now that I wasn’t responsible for what she did. Nor have I ever been responsible for the actions of others. The problem is with them, not me.

At some point I need to let the past go and move on in order to make the most of the time I have left. Four years ago I felt that nobody would ever understand how I feel. Then my son was diagnosed ASD and I knew that I was autistic too. On hearing my own official diagnosis, I got control back of my life. I know who I am now and why I am different and these next years of my life are going to be lived MY way. I may be in a minority but my life counts just as much as everybody else’s on this planet.

It always has.

I still like to be alone because that’s when I function at my best but liking to be alone and feeling alone in the world are very different things. That’s changed now. There are people in this world who get me. There are also people who don’t get me but are willing to understand and support me. So you see, I am not alone in the universe.

CC Image Via Pixabay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copycat Crisis

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It’s been a difficult time at school for The Boy but then the first weeks back after the holidays always are aren’t they? At home he’s been a complete git. Much stroppier than any teenager I’ve ever known, myself included and he’s only six and three quarters!

On Saturday he went back to the children’s disability centre after a three week break. He loves going as he is able to interact with other autistic children, one boy in particular who he has taken a shine to. Unfortunately this boy is much older than him and is starting the teenage group in a few weeks. Whether The Boy picked up on this or it was just an extension of his struggles throughout the week, we don’t know but we were told he had a major meltdown in the park and had to be restrained by two of the carers because he was in danger of ‘bolting’.

Getting to the bottom of meltdowns can be difficult and sometimes we never understand what the trigger is. All we know is that he started hitting out and shouting that he ‘hated girls’. Then he tried to ninja kick the female carers who were having to restrain him. Thankfully there was a male carer who was able to calm him down. Apparently he was new so it was in at the deep end for him, poor sod.

The hitting out obviously isn’t new but I have no idea where this ‘hating girls’ has come from. Boys at school? TV? I don’t think this isn’t something that The Boy has come up with himself. It’s most likely something he’s seen or heard. It’s no surprise that boys of his age are starting to see girls as being, er, annoying so maybe he’s heard a boy casually say, ‘I hate girls’ on the yard but The Boy is literal and looking at it this way it’s easy to see how he could have interpreted it differently from his peers.

The thing about The Boy is that he mimics. If he hears words or phrases he likes the sound of he will repeat them whenever possible no matter how inappropriate they are to the situation. We have to be extra careful what we say around him but we’re human and occasionally slip up like when OH forgot himself and said ‘Bloody’ and The Boy repeated this at school. SHAMING!!

When it comes to TV, he’s nuts about Ninjago and anybody who’s ever had the pleasure of watching it will know that it centers around six teenage Ninjas – Kai, Jay, Cole, Lloyd, Zane and Nya. It’s a good versus evil with hormones thrown in. It’s normal for boys his age to be into stuff like this, right? Eldest boy was into The Teenage Mutant Turtles back in the 90’s while I had a secret crush on Shredder.

What? You’ve never had a crush on an animated character?

Er, moving on then…

The problem is when the child struggles to separate fantasy from reality…

My son thinks he is one of these characters. He talks like them. Raises an eyebrow like them. Stands with his arms folded like them, even on school photographs. He chooses the colour of his pants based on which Ninja he wants to be that day!

Worryingly he demonstrates his ‘ninja moves’ at school and recently this ended in him being carried out of the playground for time-out in the library. As a result Ninjago is banned before school. I only allow him to watch CBeebies in the morning. Yes, I’ve gone from one extreme to another but shows like Teletubbies and The Clangers have a relaxing effect on him. More importantly, Clangers and Tubbies aren’t on the receiving end of a ninja kick.. not that I’ve seen anyway.

The Boy was diagnosed with ASD as Aspergers no longer seems to be a stand alone diagnosis but he fits with Aspergers and many ‘Aspies’ are known to mimic, especially girls.

I mimicked as a child and teenager. In fact, a big percentage of my life has been to copy in order to fit in. It was a subconscious thing as a child but once I had an understanding that I was different, it became a coping skill in order to ‘fit in’ not that I ever really managed to. It’s only in recent years that I have allowed myself to be me because trying to fit into a society that you don’t understand is exhausting and thanks to my hormone malfunction (menopause) I no longer have the patience nor the inclination to be someone I’m not.

Me and The Boy differ in that sense that I never physically acted out in school at his age. At school I barely spoke and when I did the words wouldn’t come out right which only served to earn me the wrong kind of attention so I avoided it whenever possible which meant that things stayed in my head until I got home where I would ‘act’ it all out. Mum would testify to this if she was alive today as she was forever telling me off for shouting. This is one of the reasons she couldn’t understand the words ‘quiet’ or ‘shy’ on my school reports. It never occurred to me to tell her about what was happening at school but if she’d have listened at my bedroom door she might have realised that my play wasn’t imaginative but a word perfect reenactment of my day. The Boy is extroverted and acts out publically which creates problems especially as he’s fond of slapstick and all things ninja and so we have a big problem.

The ‘girl’ thing is being addressed at home and school and I’m confident it’s a blip. When it comes to Ninjago, it isn’t only restricted to the TV. He has comics, books, Lego and electronic games. His life is Ninjago and owls and any autism parent will understand about an autistic child’s obsessions.

This will be no easy task.

No matter what we do here at home, his male peers are mostly into the ‘good versus evil’ on the playground and though I have many skills as a mother, omnipresence isn’t one of them so I’ll have to leave that one to the school and concentrate on things at home.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

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